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RobTheLobb's avatar
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Captain James Rightfield's entire career has been testing new experimental aircraft. This test flight isn't going to go as planned, however...

I wrote this quite a bit back, and recently found it on my computer. I am thinking about giving it an update. Any feedback is much appreciated! I'd love to hear if you think the piece is worth an update, and, if so, what would be possible changes might be good.
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© 2014 - 2024 RobTheLobb
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iNeedYorkshireTea's avatar
Hi here. Just popping over from TheWritersMeow to share the love.

1st thing I noticed was that you start off just plainly telling us in the first paragraph that he was enjoying his day. This doesn't really grab out attention the way that showing us would. How could we tell that he's enjoying his day? Is he screaming as he spins his plane around? Is he making jokes with the other pilots?

I'm the kind of reader than needs to be thrown head first into a scene, so put me there instead of telling me about it. This applies to the whole piece, really. 

I think you should tell us what the thing looks like sooner. I mean, you say they're looking at what's in front of them but I can't see the object yet, and it wasn't until a few paragraphs later that one of them describes it. I was intrigued, but I'm an impatient reader.

I liked the relationship between the men. I think this is what makes me sort of dislike the story (sorry). It's just that I'm attaching myself to a character only for them to die! I suppose i'm one for a happy(or happier) ending. But then again, I suppose that's part of what makes the story interesting, and almost threatening. We don't know for sure if this thing has gone away, and one of the guys fighting against it has died. It's quite sad, we're a bit pissed at these alien things. You must be doing something right for me to feel a little uneasy.

I hope my comment is useful. Interesting story, thanks a lot for sharing.